How do you have a conversation with someone who does not give a straight answer?
With a person who evades, minimises, manipulates and fabricates? It is not possible, years of spiraling meandering mind boggling dialogue has taught me that. Since choosing to keep a boundary, to ensure he does not step into our lives again there has been no conversations. There have been stipulations about the children, points communicated, and his meanderings of all he has had to go through.
As sad and unfortunate as it may be, being in hospital and being unwell is for him a perfect situation. A situation that opens up a large arena for manipulation, for pity, for re-framing everything that has gone before.
So many years of lying, creating illusions and he was sitting across a table from me attempting to look me in the eye as he chatted away, discussing things as if I had never heard of them before or did not know the story from another view point.
He sat speaking of how his brother had almost become a single father, could I imagine how scary and hard a concept that would be? How does a person sit there so utterly removed from the reality, to the person who is single highhandedly raising children? He bragged about how an Irish TV channel were involved, whatever the situation his desire for attention, fame immortality coming before the needs and experiences of others.
He asked me if I was seeing anyone yet or if my life was only about the children. Proceeding to tell me how he had been with someone,but had realised there was no spark, she was not special and he had ended it. He was so glad to see me, and spend time with me again. Sitting there telling me how talented I was, how brilliant I was.
Expressing concern about my well being he told me not to ever worry about finances, he had put things in place and he would never put the children or I in a precarious position, my response, I am solely here to find out what your health situation is and to know what to put in place for the children.
Then came the question, "How is your blog going?"...
Someone walked past allowing me to divert my gaze as I registered what he had just said to me, a heat spreading across my face, I had never told him about my writing. "Is it taking off? Getting much attention?"
Before saying good bye he asked me if I could be his next of kin, "I don't want the others making choices over my body". He expressed concern that his eldest sister was going to arrive in a few days, "I have no idea why she is coming, what she thinks we have to say to each other. As long as she doesn't bring her husband, I will refuse to see him if he does". Looking across at him I could see it, the tells, the lies, the web he was spinning even when unwell.
Reaching across he put his arms around me, my arms frozen by my sides, the only thought I had was the deep raw instinct to scream and push him as hard as I could. The image of a man in hospital socks and crutches ensuring I stood a column as each wave ebbed away not allowing myself to think about anything, keeping myself from reacting to anything.
On the journey home I had to ask a neighbour to pick up my youngest, the noise in my brain, the heat in my body leaving me back at the hospital four times losing the way on the way to the station. As I cooked dinner for the children that evening I cannot recall how my journey ended, how I engaged with conversation, meal times, any demands made on me. All I could see were his eyes as he let me know he had been reading what I wrote, had knowledge of my attempts to protect us all, to get away from his reach and he was watching.
Abuse Love Control Manipulation Adoration Eternal love Financial destruction Pornography Depression Terror Children Dream life Career loss Tactics Family Affairs Lies Covert Love bombing Gas lighting Discarding Accidents Broken friendships Violation Coercion Promises Pain Laughter Perfection Idealisation Romance Fairytale Threats Disappearances Forgotten Voids Misunder-standings Silence Parties Cold glare Flirtation Appearances Desire Secrets Coping Healing Truths
I recognize that the memories of the events described in this blog are different than my own to some. I have related as close to my facts and truths as possible. All individuals mentioned are fine, decent and hard-working people, and I have changed identities or created composites where possible. The blog is not intended to hurt any family or friends, and I regret any unintentional harm resulting from the publishing this. The sole purpose of this is to shed the darkness shrouding my life, and create a safe platform for me, and my family to carry our life on from. To break the cycle of pain. To let the truth set us free.